


Human is Just a Soul Inside a Mascot!

by Cerulean_Gaze



Category: Gintama
Genre: Dirty Jokes, M/M, Soul Switch Arc 1.2, What Was I Thinking?, crackfic, lame jokes, typical gintama
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-19
Updated: 2019-03-19
Packaged: 2019-11-24 13:27:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18165794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerulean_Gaze/pseuds/Cerulean_Gaze
Summary: i decided to write any plot bunnies i have in my mind so i could manage writing everyday. uwu it's a good way to practice writing, anyway. this is just a wild thought i had yesterday and look what i have now.anyways, have a good day/night out there, darlings.





	Human is Just a Soul Inside a Mascot!

                _“Hey you! Stop there, you bastaaaaaaaaard!”_

                It was a pure luck Hijikata found his way through the patrol with the damned duck that Katsura had as a pet, and it’s probably involved with the said terrorist’s activities. He was truly convinced that the mascot is simply a human in disguise that probably does a good work fooling everyone— especially when he was now witnessing a horrible scene where the duck just stopped and suddenly scratched its crotch. Then— _surprise, surprise_ —the duck just threw a bomb right on his way as they were both in an abandoned lot. Of course, Hijikata just instinctively pulled out his sheathed sword along with its scabbard and hit the bomb just exactly when the duck was dashing off the opening of the lot— which is just right behind him. It surprised the duck as well when the bomb had postponed its action, since it was only timed into few seconds before it detonates, and it was now making its way exactly to its face.

                The bomb hit Elizabeth’s face square up directly, and the bomb just bounced on the mid-air with Hijikata frozen on his spot, realizing that he and the duck was just few feet away from each other as the bomb detonated up between them.

 

* * *

 

                The first thing that Hijikata noticed was how the place just fucking stinks as soon as he woke up.

                There were two transparent holes where the light source coming through, and the place isn’t too large or too small for his frame. He was lying, limbs spread flat on the soft ground that felt like a cushion. It took seconds before Hijikata sit himself up from lying, cautiously looking through the hole that follows his movement. Although the motion he made was too uncomfortable for him, there was still movement he could do whether he was locked up on a case or something.

                But first… _what the fuck is going on?_

                Hijikata tried to trace back his steps before he woke up, vaguely remembering chasing something large. As he turned his sight once again, he saw a smoke on the other side of the place, few sirens of patrol cars screaming aloud as they passed by.

                _An explosion occurred nearby._

                And it’s not just nearby— he fully remembered that a bomb just blew him and the damned duck up when it hit the large beak of it. It was only darkness that ate him up before he even heard the muffled explosion the bomb had. It doesn’t make any sense to him.

                _Why muffled?_

                He mentally checked every limbs and bones of his body, finding nothing but the heaviness on top of his head. Maybe he hit his head after the explosion recoils.

                _The duck… Where did it go?_

                He tried to stand up to check his surroundings, seeing himself in a narrow alleyway where he just chased the duck. As soon as he started to walk, he heard a familiar slap of the duck’s feet that made him turn sharply, only to see a man hidden behind the shadows with smokes surrounding him.

                “Why, why… The demonic vice chief is now awake, ah?”

                Two pairs of purple lights glared from the shadow, and Hijikata just flinched upon recognizing the voice.

                _… T-The Director?!_

                “Yah, it’s me.” The director meekly replied. “Pretty weird to be inside a written fan-fiction, isn’t it?”

                “What the hell is going on?!” He spat as he think whether to tackle or strangle the strange man. “Oi! Why are you even here, exposing yourself?! Aren’t ‘ya supposed to be inside of that freaky duck?!”

                “Uh, right. But look— my shift was supposed to be done already since it’s Monday today.” The Director shrugged while pushing up his gleaming glasses. “There was a problem and the other shift was still out slacking off again. Why can’t I just have a normal life like a normal human I am?”

                _Shift?_

                Hijikata just blinked and finally noticed himself merely covered with a thick silk of mantle, few weapons and a stretchable opening just below of the two transparent opening he was looking through.

                _What. The. Fuck. Is. This._

                “Wait— Don’t tell me that… _I’m inside that duck?!_ ”

                “Yah, exactly.”

                “Don’t just say it like it’s a normal thing!”

                Hijikata looked down to himself and only see a dim opening below to his feet, and his other parts of the body were already covered by the shadow. It was just too crazy to think that he was actually pinned inside that duck, and— _wait, are my arms just bounded inside those holes?!_

                “Yah, it’s like a stand user that pulls anyone capable of controlling it.” The director replied to him. “You just broke my glasses and nose with that bomb, yah know.”

                “Says the one who threw it right at me!” Hijikata retorted back while rummaging around the mantle covering his whole existence. He then went to see his hands connected to the arms of the duck, with its two thick yet soft arms making squishy noises along with his feet. “… Why am I even in here?!”

                “Because my shift just ended, I had to go and check stuffs. I can’t go without anyone inside that thing.”

                The man then turned his back.

                “Well, I’m sorry. I’ll pay you back with a month supply of mayonnaise in return. I’m really sorry.”

                Hijikata stared— stared in disbelief and confusion before he could even process everything on his mind.

                “Wait a _fucking_ minute! I don’t know shit about this thing!” He yelled and waddled towards the man, trying to block him from running away. “How can you just pull somebody in your mess?! I have a damn job to do and you know it! They’ll look for me!”

                “Ah, don’t worry about it. I already have it in control.” The director turned to him and gleamed along with his ominous eyes. “The writer will take care of everything, ‘kay.”

                “This is _not_ totally okay!”

                “Bye.”

                “DON’T JUST SAY ‘BYE’ WITHOUT A DAMN REASSURANCE!”

                And in a mere instant, the man right in front of him disappeared, leaving him cursing and yelling for an hour of complaints.

 

[-]

 

                _“How the fuck I should start with this._ ”

                The inconspicuous duck was waddling on the side of the street, carefully avoiding people to hit him and the stupid costume he was wearing. The walk was so slow as Hijikata tried to look at any notes hidden inside, and most of the papers hidden in some parts are too inexplicit or useless at all. He couldn’t even reach anything below with his arms bounded inside the holes for the arms, and he won’t lift the mantle just by remembering how wrong it just looked when the other man pulled his bomb earlier. Even though he just wanted to move out of the stupid mascot, the strains bounding his arms just kept tightening than before, and the ‘helmet-thing’ holding the shape of the duck above just kept tightening as well around his head.  He wondered how the fuck it weighs so heavy when the duck just literally walks around with its squishy appearance.

                After analyzing the inventory of the mascot, he looked around and turned to an alleyway. Meeting anyone he knows is the last thing Hijikata wants to deal with.

                _“Ah, I forgot to tell ‘ya.”_

                Hijikata halted and looked around.

                _“You won’t see me, dummy. You can just hear me with the equipment you have above your head.”_

                “So much for fucking thing I have to know.” Hijikata hissed.

                _“Yah, I know. That’s why I’ll tell you some stuff you can use while being Elizabeth for a mean time.”_ The voice spoke in a lethargic manner. _“First, just below the beak, you can see some p*rno when you feel hard insi—“_

                “I’m not blowing off right in here!” He spat while adjusting the equipment on his head. “Can you just go with the crucial instructions?!”

                _“Alright, then. If the heat is really unbearable, there’s a fl*shlight right on yo—“_

“I’ll make this fucking duck commit _seppuku_ by myself.”

                _“You don’t know patience, aren’t ya? I guess there’s no choice. The production team is already chasing my ass off so just look for the guide beside the p*rno stash on the left.”_

                “Why you did even bothered talking shit when you can just tell me with that!” Hijikata groaned frustratingly, looking at the said stash and right on its side where a blank book cover blends perfectly with its whiteness. “Great. Now I just have to lift the mantle _indecently._ ”

                _“Be a man and lift it like a high school girl’s skirt if you have to.”_

                “Please just shut up before my respect and patience burns off for you, _Director-san._ ”

                The line just broke off into a _‘clack’_ and silence finally came over. Hijikata just looked around again before cautiously lifting the hem of the mascot, quickly pulling the said guidebook and letting the mantle flew down on its own upon retrieving it. It was just as white as the mantle, an inconspicuous handwritten words on the corner indicates _“A Duck User Guide for Dummies” label_. Hijikata prayed that it wasn’t as stupid as the last user it had, and flipped the cover open.

 

* * *

 

 

> _“This is just easy than you expected. Besides, it just works like a G*ndam robot that needed a controller inside of it. So yeah— there’s nothing much to explain in here.”_
> 
> _— EliMonday._
> 
> _“I want to be a cheeseburger.”_
> 
> _— EliTuesday._
> 
> _“The first stand just forgot to shave his legs on the first airing episode of Gin Tama, so we have to maintain our legs like an old man. Do you know how itchy is it? Please don’t shave your legs so they won’t be suspicious of you.”_
> 
> _— EliWednesday._
> 
> _“Actually, nobody can hear you when you speak inside the mascot unless you opened the beak. Isn’t it nice that no one would hear your noise while **** and ****? Luckily, we could just generate a sign via thinking the response we have to reply to the other characters. Just pull it out right behind you— but be careful sticking the handle on your assh*le.”_
> 
> _— EliThursday._
> 
> _“EliSaturday and EliSunday just retired so we have to switch shifts, idiots!”_
> 
> _— EliFriday._
> 
> _“I’m out, too.”_
> 
> _— EliTuesday._
> 
> _“No, you can’t leave without finishing the series, Sensei.”_
> 
> _— EliMonday._
> 
> _“Can you guys replace the old issues of these p*rnos? It’s so old that I might be blowing off with old hag models, y’know? It’s so inappropriate.”_
> 
> _— EliThursday._
> 
> _“Your head is the definition of inappropriate.”_
> 
> _— EliWednesday._
> 
> _“I hope your d*ck rots and falls off.”_
> 
> _— EliFriday._
> 
>  

* * *

 

                “… Is this really a guidebook or a correspondence book?”

                Hijikata just pulled his mayonnaise-shaped lighter and burned the book, staring at it with contempt.

                _… This is just useless as those damned shifters!_

                After the book burned into ashes, Hijikata just sighed in frustration as he lit up a cigarette inside the mascot. Somehow, the mascot let his arms go already as soon as he finished reading the guidebook, but the equipment worn above his head just tightened as it is without any intention of letting him go. Well, the guidebook is just half-informative as it was supposed to be, but it somehow helped him to understand what kind of crap he was currently in. Judging by the correspondence of the users, they were currently short of people to shift by, forcing EliMonday to drag him into their mess. Too much for his disappointment, Hijikata just wanted for the current shift to end and beat the shit out of the Director if his supplies of mayonnaise aren’t delivered as soon as he escaped.

                In the midst of his plotting, he was spacing out too much that he failed to notice a presence next to him that was now patting his shoulder, making him flinch at the instant.

                “It’s not safe burning things near to household, Elizabeth.” Katsura scolded to him with a firm expression.

                _‘… It’s Katsura!’_

Hijikata bolted up straight, sweating profusely as he watched Katsura standing up from the burning embers, stepping on it as soon as the embers faintly glow.

                _‘How the fuck don’t you even realize that your pet is a mascot full of goddamned perverts?!’_

                Katsura turned his gaze to him and stared, looking through the holes that Hijikata was staring back into. At the point of prolonged silence, Hijikata couldn’t help thinking whether Katsura was staring exactly through him instead to his dear pet.

                He gulped.

                “… Elizabeth? Are you okay? You’re oddly silent today.” Katsura worriedly asked as he moved closer to the mascot, looking closer to its face that Hijikata instinctively stepped back.

                _‘Say something!’_

With a ring inside the mascot, Hijikata felt a board pressing behind him. Without any delay, he reached for it and raised it up for the other male.

                _[Something.]_

                “… Something?”

                _‘It’s not what I meant, stupid duck!’_ Hijikata mentally screamed and hurriedly pulled back the board and pulling it out again.

                _[Something just happened earlier.]_

                Katsura just sighed in relief, which Hijikata did the same after managing to follow up his first response. It was just _too_ complicated how the board works, don’t blame him.

                “I know that. That rotten vice chief just chased you, isn’t it?” Katsura smiled to him while patting the duck’s head. “It’s a wise decision luring him in an abandoned lot to blow him up. We never wanted to make casualty just because of a single man, after all.”

                Katsura then stepped back and started to walk, motioning his pet to follow.

                “Let’s go now, Elizabeth. We have a meeting to attend with.”

                If it wasn’t the weirdest day of Hijikata— a vice chief of Shinsengumi Special Police Force— to be a terrorist’s pet— which is the Jouishishi’s leader— then, he wasn’t pretty sure whether how long he could even deal with his current situation without any exact time of it to end.

                _‘… But to think of it, I can easily slip off and collect information of their activities in this situation.’_

                A silver lining finally broke through the dark clouds of the day, and a smirk curved right into his lips.

                _‘Not bad enough.’_

                With its signature squishes of steps, Hijikata waddled as the Elizabeth of the day next to Katsura, getting invested to the man’s current plans and activities to be executed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i decided to write any plot bunnies i have in my mind so i could manage writing everyday. uwu it's a good way to practice writing, anyway. this is just a wild thought i had yesterday and look what i have now.
> 
> anyways, have a good day/night out there, darlings.

**Author's Note:**

> i dont know what i am doing but i hope you enjoyed reading this. <3


End file.
